Music to My Ears…

I have been having a personal struggle recently with the question of “Am I good enough?” This question can spread to many areas of our lives, but I know I specifically have been focusing on it career-wise. My blog is titled “Reflections of a Future Church Orchestra Director” for a reason. Only within the last month have I suddenly realized the strong pull I have to church music. I can’t believe I couldn’t see it before, but I truly believe it wasn’t the right time-until now.

I attend a University in North Carolina but was born and raised in Orlando, Fl. I love it here. It’s my home and my place of comfort. And throughout my formative years, I was blessed to be a member of what many would call a “mega-church,” though I don’t see it as that. We have a full choir and orchestra that plays and sings during our 9 AM service and it truly has been a blessing to experience that music-making every Sunday.

Lately, I have found out from very close friends, that apparently church is all I can manage to talk about three days after it happened. I love the people, the environment, the music, the fellowship-everything. I love church. I am completing my Music Education degree for the sake of time and having a diploma which can allow me to propel versatilely into my future, whatever God’s plans may be.

I have had the benefit, over the last ten years to be blessed by a wonderful mentor who’s background is also in Music Education. I’ve watched him, assessed him, analyzed him, copied him and done everything else I could to grow and glean as much as possible. It has truly been a pleasure to serve with and next to my mentor. But, I get down on myself on occasion, especially when looking at how much he’s accomplished over the last 20+ years in his career and see how inexperienced I am comparatively. True, it’s not fair to myself to expect to be anywhere near as accomplished as he is, but I do know what I lack in experience I make up for in passion-love for what I want to do.

I was having a conversation with a close friend the other day as I was getting ready for a dinner party and said something along the lines of “I don’t know how I’ll ever be as good as him,” to which my friend replied;

“Michael Jackson singing “Man in the Mirror” for the one millionth time is just as beautiful to God’s ears as the child singing herself to sleep, as a music student practicing to get a piece of music perfect, as a seasoned musical professional who can play backwards with his eyes closed and upside down. God purposely made us different – to compare is devaluing the beauty of God’s creation; that’s why we all have our own fingerprints…”

To say that thought hit me upside the head like a brick is the understatement of the century, or even the millenium. The last thing I would ever want to do is devalue the passion and the gifts God put inside me. They are directly from him and who am I to compare my abilities, my strengths and my weaknesses with another individual and then sit there and convince myself I can never be as good. It just sounded so wrong. And even worse, I knew she was right-we hurt God when we devalue ourselves.

Another good girlfriend of mine shared with me one of her favorite sayings the other day. She said “It’s good to be you because everyone else is already taken.” Why do we spend our lives trying to live up to other people’s expectations or ideas of what we should be, how we should act, what we should do… It’s absurd, really. I know enough about myself to know I have a difficult time hiding my feelings, especially things I feel very strongly about. I have learned I am so much happier when I am true to who I am and who I was designed to be. In the same respect, why is there any separation between how I approach my feelings and how I approach my career, my goals and my aspirations-My God-given ones at that?! Who am I to question my abilities and my strengths comparatively to someone else’s, when I know full well I will bring an entirely different skill set to the table, which is not a bad thing. We need to be proud of our differences, confident in our uniqueness and praising God for what he HAS given us, not what He HASN’T. So maybe my mentor is a stronger choral conductor than I am, but maybe I am more sympathetic in my approach to my fellow musicians and church peeps. I am not capable of doing what he is capable of doing, because he will do his job, his calling in his way. I will do what I am meant to do in my own way. It will be neither better nor worse-just different. And I think the second we as a society start understanding this concept and being gentler with each other and encouraging one another in our weaker areas, we could see some huge changes in the workforce, our churches and our daily lives as humans…